#Winning? #Losing?

Do you ever feel like you’re always losing, while everyone else around you is winning? I know I know, you’re not supposed to compare yourself to others, but that shit happens. You can’t live your life under a rock, with no personal interaction, no connection with others, no desires. So you were bound to interact and see others living their lives. It is human nature to want, desire and seek attention. But as soon as you do, you experience some of the feelings I am speaking about. Ugh, frustrating!

There are a number of things in my life that I sit here and think “it was not supposed to go like that” or “I didn’t deserve that”. Sadly, they are facts in my life now. They are part of who I am and what make me as a whole. Sure they don’t define me, but they do hold me back. And maybe that is where my losing comes in play. I have put in a great deal of work over the last 6+ years. Journaling, thousands dollars on therapy, countless attempts at meditation, traveling, soul searching, books, vision boards, peeling away the layers to a new person from time to time. No matter how hard I think I am working, I still feel like I am losing. Like I am stuck still searching for purpose and seeking self-love/self-acceptance.

What will it take to feel like I am finally “winning”? I have been having some really intense conversations with some friends lately. One in particular is my trainer/good friend from college. And thank goodness for him. He is heaven-sent and really holds some true insight. He makes me think and feel and doesn’t hold back. And I appreciate that. Sure, it hurts in the moment and sometimes I have to step away from the discussion. But it always brings me back to rereading his messages and contemplating his words, wondering what my next move forward needs to be.

As I cried in the gym the other day (yes, walking the stair master I was crying, I admit it!), he told me two stories about two different people, lot of similarities, but took two very different paths to reach their desires. Both females with good jobs, what appeared to be “good lives”. Both had desires to a find relationship. Lady 1 took it slow and decided to take a year to focus on herself. She worked out, lost weight, and within that year’s span, she found the man of her dreams. Lady 2 decided to rush things- started dating a man, who she thought was good for her. Later, she found out that he was married, with three kids, and she had one on the way herself. Two people. Same desire. Two completely different paths.

So, I sit here, reflecting on the stories and words my friends shared with me the last few days. A page from a book he shared with me said this, “The idea that the more you pursue feeling better all the time, the less satisfied you become, as pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack it in the first place. The more you desperately want to be rich, the more poor and unworthy you feel, regardless of how much money you actually make. The more you desperately want to be sexy and desired, the uglier you come to see yourself, regardless of your actual physical appearance. The more you desperately want to be happy and loved, the lonelier and more afraid you become, regardless of those who surround you.” Maybe that is what is happening. I want something so bad that I am actually getting the negative result. Sure, I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but how hard is it not to? I have been searching for myself, forgiveness and true purpose for so many years. I still have a ways to go, but it is frustrating to sit back and watch everyone pass by, while it feels like I have my feet in the cement.

I know I have to put in more work- a lot more. I have to search those dark corners where the demons are hiding from the light, where they jump out when I am least expecting. It is a constant struggle, but there is one thing that I have learned through all this- I won’t stop. I might fall; I might jump off course on purpose; I might stumble, catch my footing, and simply face plant in the mud. But I managed to get back up each time. With each “growing pain” (as AD told me to start calling it), there are life lessons I have learned and will continue to learn. So in moments of “losing”, I have to hope I am “winning” at the same time.

Inside Out comes to mind in this moment. Many life lessons came out of this amazing Pixar movie. “Joy doesn’t happen without sadness.” “Joy and sadness need to come together to bring emotional balance.” “Locking away your darkest fear is a dangerous thing.” As I sit here and think of where I need to go, I will refer to some kind words from my friends:

• Give myself permission to move forward.
• Forgive myself.
• Be grateful
• Be kind to myself
• Focus on making myself whole.
• Give myself a hug…both the “old” and “new” Katie.