30 plus 1
Happy birthday, self? I am currently two days into another year of my “life resume”. Yes, I am 30+1…31. And yet again, I struggled with having another birthday. I thought it was supposed to be just the 5 and 10 birthdays. I remember having a difficult time last year for 30. I didn’t want anyone to know at work; I didn’t want anyone sending me messages; I wanted to have a big pool party, but at the same time, I didn’t. I just didn’t want to turn another year older.
It was almost the same this year, just not as bad. I felt the anxiety come over me a few days before. I could feel the angst and dread of people wishing my happy birthday in the office and through text messages, and making a “big deal” about me. I even asked a friend if it would be okay if I just didn’t show up at work! “No one would notice, right?” Needless to say, I showed up and celebrated with co-workers. Between Sugar Shack Donuts, Astro Donuts & Chicken, a few completed expense reports and starting the QPR, my day was pretty successful. No complaints here!
But the night before my birthday, I found myself needing to journal and get some “bad” thoughts out of my head. I couldn’t continue to live in my thoughts, and I find that writing helps alleviate “imagination versus reality” issues. I started off my journal with “I turn 31 tomorrow and I’m not sure why I’m struggling yet again with getting a year older…I think I am having an issue with direction and where I’m “supposed” to be.” I continue on to contemplate if the pressure of being alone, with no family, no kids, and feeling stuck “as usual” is what is causing most of my anxiety.
My thoughts (and writing) eventually transition into saying “I know” instead of “it may” or “I wonder”. I actually cross out “I’m wondering” and replace it with “I know it has to do with…”. It’s in this moment that I am no longer speculating, but confirming and making things real- something I haven’t really faced in quite some time. I start to list off questions that were swimming around my mind. “What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? What do I have to show for it?” Then, BAM!
“I need to get out all the bad thoughts, so I can have space for the good ones.” Whether that just happened or I pre-thought that, I can’t tell you in this moment. I might associate it with on the verge delirium, but we won’t go there! 🙂 I follow up with things I DO have to show for 30…going on 31…years of life:
- I have a successful job (with multiple promotions and raises).
- I own my condo!
- 6+ years and counting of sobriety
- I own my car.
- I travel SO much…and absolutely LOVE it.
- Countless friends and family
- I have developed some very strong bonds with people over the years.
- BEST BODY by 30+1 (it was a 30 goal, but didn’t feel I met it!) I definitely met it this year!!
- I think I will eventually post a progression photo, but the latest one is an underwear shot- can’t share!
Sure, there are many more things to show for in my 31 years, but those immediately landed in my journal pages. “I do have things to show for another year. I still might not have all the things I want or think I should have right now, but they will come. I need to continue to work, grow and change my thoughts.” AMEN, sister!
I made a promise to myself for my birthday to remain positive, be appreciative and change the direction of my thoughts.
I would also like to share some amazing things people said to me on the day I was brought into the world, 31 years ago!
- “You are amazing!”
- “Stay positive and know you are loved!!!!!”
- “When I say wow, I mean wooooow!” (with lots of hearts emojis)
- “You rocked it like a rock star!”
- “You are an interesting mix to be so young…energy is off the charts, drive to excel, ownership, responsibility and you have humble in your soul. Put that all together – add the gorgeous, oh my goodness! … This world was blessed with a phenomenon, not yet unleashed.”
I am not here to brag about myself, because if you know me, I can barely take a compliment and don’t care too much for recognition to a certain degree. But WOW, whoa, holy smokes! I have to say that these words are finally starting to sink in. I am not just letting them roll off my back or saying “yeah, yeah, with a slight eye roll”. I am getting to the point of starting to believe them. “I AM AMAZING. I AM A ROCK STAR. I HAVE NOT YET BEEN UNLEASHED!”
The steps are small, but they are steps nonetheless. I will continue work towards recovery and continued growth. A little self-talk and self-reassurance will be a good dose of medicine that I think I can handle. I will finish up with lyrics from Lady Antebellum’s new album “Heartbreak” // The Stars // I feel like this song might just have become my anthem as I grow and progress forward in my “life resume”.
“But whatever comes your way, no matter what, don’t you ever forget
The stars ain’t got nothing on you
Your heart burns much brighter than the moon
If you ever feel lost or broken inside
Just remember the way you heavenly shine
The stars ain’t got nothing on you”